There is no shortage of advice telling women not to settle. Know your worth. Raise your standards. Leave if you are unhappy. But relationships are rarely that straightforward. What if you love someone but the relationship is not what you hoped it would be? What if you have spent years building a life together? And how do you know whether a difficult season is something you can work through or a sign that the relationship is no longer right for you?
For many women, the question of settling goes beyond whether they are happy in a relationship. It can involve the pressure to marry by a certain age, the fear of starting over, family expectations and the uncertainty of whether things will improve. Sometimes, it is difficult to separate what you genuinely want from what you feel you should have achieved by now.
Nigerian actress, presenter and media personality Tomike Adeoye’s public reflections on marriage, motherhood and career bring some of these questions into focus. Her experience raises a broader point: choosing a partner is one part of building a relationship, but so is understanding whether the life you are building together works for both of you.
When the timeline becomes the goal
In a January 2024 interview with Marie Claire Nigeria, Adeoye spoke about planning her journey to marriage. She wanted to have children while she was still young, so she decided that 24 would be her ideal age to get married.
“I had checked the calendar and saw that I was to clock age 24 on August 24, which fell on a Saturday. That, to me, was the perfect day for a wedding,” she said. Adeoye eventually married at 24 after meeting her husband at university.
There is nothing inherently wrong with having a timeline for marriage or children. Knowing what you want can help you make intentional decisions about your future. The problem begins when meeting a deadline becomes more important than the relationship itself.
For a woman who has decided she must be married by 30, for instance, the pressure to meet that deadline may make it harder to acknowledge incompatibility or recurring problems. The fear of starting again can become tangled up with the fear of falling behind, especially when friends are getting married, family members are asking questions and the years seem to be moving quickly.
Adeoye’s story does not suggest that she settled. Rather, it provides a starting point for considering how the timelines women set for themselves can influence their choices. A milestone can be something to look forward to, but it should not become a reason to overlook whether a relationship is right for you.
Does the relationship make room for you?
Marriage can change the way a woman experiences work, ambition and personal identity, particularly when motherhood enters the picture. The question is not only whether you love your partner, but whether you can continue to grow within the relationship.
On the challenges of motherhood, Adeoye credited her support system, particularly her husband, with helping her through a difficult first pregnancy. She said: “There was no pressure for me to be a mom, as my husband didn’t impose many expectations on me. I was just myself, a young girl in love.”
She also described her husband as supportive of her work, explaining that he checked on her wellbeing, helped with the children and suggested content ideas for her business.
Support can look different from one relationship to another, but its presence matters. Can you pursue your ambitions without being made to feel guilty? Can you express your needs and expect them to be taken seriously? When life becomes difficult, is there room for both people’s wellbeing?
Couples may divide domestic responsibilities differently, and not every relationship will follow the same arrangement. What matters is whether both people can participate in building a life in which their needs, ambitions and responsibilities are taken seriously. If one partner is consistently expected to sacrifice their opportunities, interests or wellbeing to keep the relationship functioning, it is worth asking whether the arrangement is sustainable.
When does compromise become settling?
Every relationship requires compromise. Two people will have different habits, expectations and ambitions, and building a life together means making room for those differences. But compromise is different from repeatedly abandoning things that matter to you because you are afraid of losing the relationship.
Consider the conversations you have with your partner. Are you the only one raising concerns or trying to resolve disagreements? Are your feelings acknowledged, even when your partner sees things differently? Can you pursue opportunities without being made to feel selfish? When one person needs more support, is there a willingness to adjust?
These questions are not a checklist for deciding whether a relationship should end. A difficult season does not automatically mean that you are settling. People can learn, change and work through disagreements, particularly when both partners are willing to take responsibility for their part.
However, when the same concerns keep returning without accountability or meaningful change, it may be time to look beyond what your partner promises and consider what the relationship is actually like.
Adeoye’s account of balancing motherhood and work illustrates the importance of support in navigating competing responsibilities. The broader question for women is whether their relationships allow them to grow, or whether keeping the peace requires them to make themselves smaller.
What about broken promises and trust?
Love can make difficult decisions even more complicated when trust has been broken. A woman may still love her partner after a betrayal. She may also want to preserve the relationship, especially if they share a home, children or years of history.
In June 2025, Adeoye appeared on the Diary of a Naija Girl podcast in an episode titled Tomike on Marriage, Betrayal & Hard Goodbyes. The episode description identifies infidelity, broken promises and personal choices among the topics discussed.
The question these experiences bring into focus is what happens when trust is damaged, and whether it can be rebuilt. An apology may be an important first step, but it does not automatically resolve the harm. Rebuilding trust requires an honest look at what happened, whether the person responsible acknowledges the damage and whether their actions demonstrate a genuine willingness to change.
Some couples choose to work through serious difficulties, while others decide that the damage has changed the relationship beyond what they are willing or able to repair. There is no single answer that applies to every situation.
The important distinction is between choosing to work through a problem and feeling obligated to stay simply because leaving would be difficult. Time invested in a relationship, shared responsibilities and the fear of beginning again can all make leaving complicated, but they do not, on their own, mean that staying is the right decision.
The real question may be different
When women ask whether they are settling, they may be looking for a clear sign that tells them what to do. But the answer is often found in a closer examination of the relationship itself.
Are you choosing this relationship because it reflects the future you want, or because you are afraid of missing a milestone? Does your partner make room for your ambitions? When problems arise, are both of you willing to address them? If trust has been damaged, is there a genuine basis for rebuilding it?
There may not be one answer that fits every relationship. What matters is looking honestly at the relationship as it exists now, rather than measuring it only against the future you once imagined.
ASK HER TAKEAWAY
- Examine your timeline. Wanting marriage or children by a particular age is valid, but reaching that milestone should not become more important than choosing a relationship that works for you.
- Pay attention to support. Consider whether your partner makes room for your ambitions and shares the work of building a life together.
- Know the difference between compromise and self-abandonment. Relationships require adjustment, but your needs and values should still matter.
- Look beyond promises. When trust is broken or problems recur, consider whether there is accountability and meaningful change.
- Ask yourself why you are staying. Be honest about whether you are choosing the relationship or feeling trapped by time invested, family expectations or fear of starting over.
